Thursday, June 21, 2007

Womb with a view

I stayed and saw someone local. I have to say it was something of a Rubicon for me not to get on a train and go to my own man in London. Obviously, this was entirely because of my commitment to Northern living and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I did not think I could manage the journey without pulling the emergency handle for the guard to bring me more drugs. The local osteo was very nice. He thought I had sprained a ligament which had put my muscles into spasm. He hugged me. I like it when people hug me. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me and stretched me. He said: "Does that hurt?" I felt like saying: "Yes but I don't care." He pulled bits of me. Luckily, nothing came off. Nothing I needed anyway. Maybe I am taller. That would be nice. It might take me some time to figure that one out because I am still walking with a stoop. It is a shame about the stoop because my figure is lovely now I have a bad back. I have to say that it is not entirely my own work. I had to put a Wonderbra on because stooping makes your breasts dangle down to your knees. I also struggled into a pair of enormous elasticated knickers that promise to smooth away all your lumps and bumps which go all the way up to the bra and all the way down your thigh. They are the sort of knickers you buy to go with a particular silky outfit. As soon as you get home and take them out of the packet, you hold them out in front of you and think: "I do not care enough about how I look to walk round in these knickers all night." They do provide useful support when your back gives out though.

I liked the osteopath but he seemed to have a hidden agenda to change my entire life. Among other things, he advised I drank less tea and more water. Luckily he did not ask me whether I had a Chablis habit. He also said I should suck my abdominal muscles in. Apparently, sucking in your abdominal muscles makes you think about your movements more and protects you from momentum (which is a bad thing). "Guard yourself against momentum!" It is almost a bumper sticker. Finally, he said I should lie on my left side, curl myself into a foetal ball, stick a pillow between my legs and stay there. I said: "I can't spend my entire day in the foetal position much as I'd like to." But apparently, that is exactly what I should do whenever I feel the need, which will probably be just about all the time.


aims said...

Ahh technology and the development of Spanx - that wonderful undergarment that must be the same as the knickers you speak of.

I particularly liked the part of your breasts dangling down to your knees.

Reminded me of a trip to Florida where we happened upon Fantasy Fest in Key West and the thing to do was have your breasts painted and go half naked like the men.When I asked my husband if he would mind if I had that done - he took out his wallet - peered inside - and stated that he didn't think there was enough money in there if they charged by the square inch - and then reminded me - hadn't I said I wanted my knees to tan in the first place?

Suburban Mum said...

Hello, just found you through some random blog surfing, can't remember from where now though! Anyway, I just moved from North London to Manchester so can relate!

Iota said...

The "muscle in spasm" bit is actually quite good news. It means you can go to the doctor and get some muscle relaxant, which is called Diazepam, and contains valium. There you are. A positive out of a negative.

The New Girl on the Block said...

Have read your wprds for many months and feel just as bizarrely content, frustrated and downright perplexed as you. I write random things on my blog and just wondered what you think of my writing (go back to first entry to see where it all began).

Mel xxx

The New Girl on the Block said...

Have read your words for many months and feel just as bizarrely content, frustrated and downright perplexed as you. I write random things on my blog and just wondered what you think of my writing (go back to first entry if you want to see where it all began).

Mel xxx

Poetess said...

I decided to send you one of my peoms that I wrote recently after my osteopathic treatment. This might have put you off if you had read it before hand. hopefully now it will make you laugh. Poetessxxx

Osteopathic Wails

“Let me look at your posture Miss
Good grief! Stand up! Stand straight!
And you would do much better
If you lost some bloomin weight”

“Let me see those toes Miss
How did they become so stiff?
Now I’ll crunch and crack them
Into tiny bits”

“Lift your head off the table Miss
Whilst I yank it left and right
This may take some coaxing
Your heads screwed on rather tight”.

“Put your arms around your chest Miss
Listen carefully to what I say
Breath in…….................... Breath out
Whilst I take your breath away”

“Toss your legs over your shoulders Miss
Turn your head to face your back
Now you’re in position
I’ll give you a great big crack”

“Stand on your toes like this Miss
Whilst your head is on the floor.
Really Miss, your way too tight,
I’ll need two men for this, I’m sure”

Now there are two of them,
My only hope is prayer
Cause one has got me by the legs
And the other by the hair.

There was, a mighty heave
And a thrust beyond compare
Arms and legs akimbo
I go flying through the air

I lay upon the table, now,
Amidst the aftermath
Check my boobs point forward
And my arse still faces back!!!

If you like this, there are more of the same on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Glad you gave the North a try! Best wishes with the recovery. It's an awful business to have a bad back. I suffer everyday with a muscle spasm so I know what you're going through. There are ways and means of controlling it, excercise is one of them. said...

My blog today would be of enormous benefit to you. F... all to do with having a bad back though!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Lying in the foetal position is a good thing, but you do have a life. Find a Pilates class. I've been going for years and it is miraculous. Valium is also good for muscle spasm, but only take it at night unless you want to be strung out all the time.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Glad you got to see someone locally. Osteopaths can be a bit out there can't they? One was once doing my neck, leaned over and took my NZ jade pendant in his hand. He sat holding it for a while then informed me it had absorbed all my negativity and needed to be cleansed. He told me leaving it overnight on a saucer of salt would do the job.

mumbo jumbo i thought. A few nights later, drunk and miserable, I left it on a saucer of salt overnight.
Absolutely nothing changed. As i suspected, mumbo jumbo.

Anonymous said...

I was going to write a poem for you sweet heart, but then sanity returned..

Can we hear more about the underwear, by any chance...? just asking, no need to react like that..

Penny Pincher said...

Popped in to sympathise - it seems most of us bloggers are suffering with backs etc - which came first do you think? perhaps we should get on out there more and walk walk walk rather than writing and reading PCs all the time. Walking would help our backs but it wouldn't be half as much fun!
I've heard that sports folk take massive amounts of Bicarb of Soda to release Lactic Acid from muscles - but it does have some unsavoury side effects.

Daniel said...

Ok Mrs Wife (I thought you deserved a little more respect than just Wifey).

Here's the thing; all these people telling you their home remedies, and experiences, and what to do, don't listen to any of them; listen to me.

You are very lucky that you seem to have something that will heal by itself in a few weeks, hopefully.

In the meantime, you don't want to lay there in a fetal position. Because even though it feels like the thing to do, and your back gets its rest, all the rest of your body will atrophy, and you could get weak and sickly, and things would only get worse.

And besides, you don't want to miss out, do you, on all the exciting things going on? The kids, and school, and home remodeling? You wanna keep up with all that important stuff, don't you?

And the same goes for muscle relaxants and tranquilizers. Some people might enjoy the buzz, but I hated the buzz; I hated being dopey and foggy. This is what I wish to postpone until I need morphine treatments for cancer, or something.

With a bad back, the hardest thing to do, that you HAVE to do, is getting dressed and undressed. Here is how you do it: get everything laid out on the bed, and just do the whole thing laying on your back. Take your time. It's a painless snap.

Get well soon, Dear Ma'am.

The Draughtsman said...

Nice to know you're getting treatment locally. Virgin trains are not the most comfortable things to travel all the way to London in. OK, its GNER in the North-East but I bet they're not much better.
As for all the folk remedies... Well throughout my nursing career I've found that if you believe in a particular remedy, it works.
As a nurse I would get back trouble from time to time and aromatherapy was my treatment of choice. It never cured it but it did take the pain away. Theirs little or no scientific evidence to back up aromatherapy's efficacy but it did the trick. So what I say is, "anything, so long as it works."
Lets hope you get sorted soon.

laurie said...


i had my back spasm like that a couple of times. it's incredibly painful. i remember the first time it happened; i'd been lifting weights (ah, macho Young Me) and moved wrong and my whole back started spasming. i put up with it for a few days but couldn't even turn over in bed without screaming.

so i finally went to the ER.

the doctor pulled the curtain back, looked at me, and said, "you're the weightlifter?"

here's what helped: muscle relaxants. flexoril, i think is the drug i took. i took one a night for several nights; they make you drowsy, but they make your muscles un-spasm after a few days.

and just to be on the safe side, i quit lifting weights.

good luck to you.

laurie said...

ps and re daniel's comments, and others:

i only took the muscle relaxants for a couple of nights, and never in the daytime.

i agree that exercise helps, but you can't exercise or even walk around if you're in excruciating pain.

so one pill a night for a couple of nights is all i'm saying.

i'm not suggesting you go all Betty Ford or anything.

Liv said...

Really, what the Dr. is saying is that tipping the pelvis forward and engaging the abdominal muscles protects the lumbar spine. Also, sleeping with said pillow between the legs helps keep the spine in alignment. So says the yoga teacher in me.

Catherine said...

Oh, I do feel for you. I woke up last Monday unable to stand up straight - again - and with shooting pains right down into my right foot. Horrors - and a busy week to come. However, I have ditched the osteopath in favour of a Bowen Therapist. She did her stuff on Tuesday and on Wednesday I was free from pain and up for anything. Just a thought ... Hope you feel better soon.