I stayed and saw someone local. I have to say it was something of a Rubicon for me not to get on a train and go to my own man in London. Obviously, this was entirely because of my commitment to Northern living and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I did not think I could manage the journey without pulling the emergency handle for the guard to bring me more drugs. The local osteo was very nice. He thought I had sprained a ligament which had put my muscles into spasm. He hugged me. I like it when people hug me. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me and stretched me. He said: "Does that hurt?" I felt like saying: "Yes but I don't care." He pulled bits of me. Luckily, nothing came off. Nothing I needed anyway. Maybe I am taller. That would be nice. It might take me some time to figure that one out because I am still walking with a stoop. It is a shame about the stoop because my figure is lovely now I have a bad back. I have to say that it is not entirely my own work. I had to put a Wonderbra on because stooping makes your breasts dangle down to your knees. I also struggled into a pair of enormous elasticated knickers that promise to smooth away all your lumps and bumps which go all the way up to the bra and all the way down your thigh. They are the sort of knickers you buy to go with a particular silky outfit. As soon as you get home and take them out of the packet, you hold them out in front of you and think: "I do not care enough about how I look to walk round in these knickers all night." They do provide useful support when your back gives out though.
I liked the osteopath but he seemed to have a hidden agenda to change my entire life. Among other things, he advised I drank less tea and more water. Luckily he did not ask me whether I had a Chablis habit. He also said I should suck my abdominal muscles in. Apparently, sucking in your abdominal muscles makes you think about your movements more and protects you from momentum (which is a bad thing). "Guard yourself against momentum!" It is almost a bumper sticker. Finally, he said I should lie on my left side, curl myself into a foetal ball, stick a pillow between my legs and stay there. I said: "I can't spend my entire day in the foetal position much as I'd like to." But apparently, that is exactly what I should do whenever I feel the need, which will probably be just about all the time.