Friday, April 04, 2008

Or are you just pleased to see me?

Went to a market town to meet a friend for coffee. The market town has one of those department stores which sell everything a middle-class woman could want, all of which is reportedly selected by the owner's wife. It has a smattering of top-name cosmetic brands, handbags, shoes, fashion and a home department. It is slightly odd thinking everything has been bought by the same person but then again, she does have good taste so fair do's. I pottered up to the lingerie department. I always found bra buying in London very stressful - there you are stripped down to nothing very much, looking at yourself in the mirror thinking "What the hell happened?" and squishing fleshy gobbets into a lacy bra cup that do not really belong in there when there is an urgent rap on the door that would not shame a debt collector. Even worse, are those shops where the assistant pokes her head through the curtain, catches a page three moment and then insists on doing you up as if you have lost the use of your thumbs. Luckily this is the sort of department store which is far too discreet for such an invasion of privacy.

Bras selected, I was at the till when my eye was snagged by a packet of "silicone petals" with a picture on the front of a woman in a bathing suit. You could see her right nipple above the word "Before" but on the left hand side, there was no nipple above the word "After". I was intrigued. I thought about whether they could be selling nipples to women who do not have any but the continuity seemed all wrong. I said to the woman behind the counter. "What are they?" She told me they were nipple protectors for women with large nipples and were designed to hide them. Apparently, according to the packet, they are "particularly useful when swimming or in colder climates." Well Northumberland can be chilly so it made sense to me. Naturally, I bought a pair. I resisted saying to the woman: "Well that's lucky because as it happens I myself have very large and shy nipples."

The petals are peach coloured with a wavy border and sticky. You stick them over your nipples and they do indeed hide them. From a distance in the mirror, this looks incredibly weird as if your top half has suddenly become that of a slightly raddled mannequin. I slipped a white tee-shirt over my head to admire my "natural contours". Frankly if these are supposed to reassure the faint-hearted that the world is not looking at their nipples, I suspect they may well have the opposite effect. The "natural countour" they give you is a breast with a large and on me at least, quite prominent, nippleless aureole. I would have thought any man would invest a considerable amount of time on playing "Spot the nipple" if you went out like that.

22 comments:

sunshine said...

I've seen those "petals" -- cute in the package, wierd on the body!

Actually, I've had surgery on both breasts -- and I'm totally delighted to still HAVE two nipples!

When I slip a T-shirt on, and my nipples show -- I think HA!! You haven't got them yet!

Rachel said...

they are useful under an evening dress though

Iota said...

So they're non-absorbent breast pads for when you're not breast-feeding?

aims said...

You made me wonder instantly about my dear friend who just had a mastectomy. She told me yesterday that she is going to have a nipple tattoed onto the new breast. I've been having a hard time getting that image out of my mind.

I just wanted to comment on the difference between the UK book cover and the US book cover....all I can say is - there is quite a difference!!

Well done on getting the entire process completed! I am looking forward to reading it!

laurie said...

i used to work with a woman who just taped band-aids (sticking plaster, to you, i believe) over hers.

ouch.

blinkered said...

judith the thought of your nipples have me done completely !!

my weekend can now only get worse.

x x

Iota said...

Is the US version different in any substantive way to the UK version, or have they just changed spellings?

girl with the mask said...

Crikey. I wasn't prepared for that post!

G.I.M

wife in the north said...

It is a different edit, slightly different punctuation the Americans use the Oxford comma that is to say if I wrote "it was red, white and blue" - it would be changed to "it was red, white, and blue". It is also slightly shorter and is broken into seasons with illustrations but really it is 99% the same. Apart from the differences.
As for the cover, Penguin have taken the view that the book is about relationships and the US cover is playing on location with the red shoes giving an element of comedy. I think.

CrazyCath said...

That is weird! I think I'll pass on them.

Just looked at other comments - thanks for explanation on the differences in the books. I was curious too.

Miriam said...

the red, high heels being what you swopped? Wonder if that lady dept store shopper has ever sold some? Don't think they'd work well with mole hills anyway mimi

Swearing Mother said...

What a darned fine idea those nipple petals are, and very useful if you shop in Waitrose in the summer whilst wearing a thin or bra-less top as the chilly aircon there always tends to bring out everyone's best points.

Maybe Waitrose should hand out free nipple-petals with the trolleys on the way in as an added customer service.

I'm going to suggest it.

sunshine said...

How did I miss the American cover? Did it just appear? I have to say, being American of course, I love it! It puts the emphasis on the contrast between London and Northumberland and nicely depicts why you started the blog in the first place.

I want one of each -- both autographed, of course!

Retiredandcrazy said...

Nipple disguises, now there's a thing to keep a dinner party lively!

Expatmum said...

That bloody Oxford comma gets me into quite a lot of trouble with my kids' English teachers. I edit out all the commas and they put them all back in. It's a wonder the poor mites ever get a decent grade.
As for the petals - how was it peeling them off? (Ow.)

Mopsa said...

Why not just use real rose petals? Scented, pink, right size, and free! And I don't see why the US should get the better cover!

Sarah said...

It's a shame you can't buy a similar device for disguising a wedgey- (or is that wedgie?)

mutleythedog said...

As you know I have a similar device aimed for men and worn in the crotch region... I cannot have everyone I meet getting too excited!

Pam said...

One of the best terms I ever heard for protruding nipples was "chapel hat pegs". Seems a shame to cover them wifey!
The extra comma in US punctuation has always puzzled me, along with "or" instead of "our" at the end of descriptive words (e.g. colour) and "s" instead of z for "ization" words. One of the funniest words I think is different is "herb" - here they say "erb".
Course they say I speak weird so it all works out in the end.

Looking forward to the book.

The Grocer said...

You realise of course that you have put us men in a very awkward position, those of us that know you are not going to know where to put our eyes in future. So when you next visit and I appear to be looking anywhere but at you you kinow why.

irishkat said...

Oh my... this post still has me giggling. I will have to try and find some of those. I think they would be very useful under certain dresses.

scaryazeri said...

I absolutely loved your whole blog, and this posting. So funny and witty, made me laugh out loud at work. must get the book!