Monday, December 17, 2007

Some kinda dame

Apparently the Savoy sale is upon us. Staying there last week felt slightly strange. Perhaps it was the fact I should by rights, have been at the Travelodge or perhaps it was the sales tags that hung from the furniture in the room. We stayed in Room 662. It felt entirely authentic as if you had ratchetted back in time. I looked out of the window, half expecting London to be in black and white. I thought: "Any minute now a man in a fedora is going to come in with a gun in his hand and a crooked smile. He is going to make me hate him. Then he is going to make me love him. Finally, he is going to walk away into the shadows and never look back even though his heart is breaking." I threw myself on the bed (Lot 2117, a pollard oak and ebonised bedroom suite in the Art Deco style, comprising of a double bed with headboard, a bedside cabinet and a dressing table 196cm wide:£800- £1,200) to wait for him. I got up again and went across to Lot 2119 - a pollard oak circular occasional table in the Art Deco style, 60cm diameter and 65cm high (£100 - £150). I slid a cigarette from a silver case, pursed lips any man would be happy to call home, and sat down in Lot 2120 ( a grey upholstered tub chair: £100 - £150). I crossed my long slim legs, the silk making the kind of noise silk makes, thought "Daiquiri" and got up again. I sashayed across to Lot 2118 (a pollard oak and ebonised cabinet in the Art Deco style, 80cm wide x 60cm deep x 171cm high: £300 - £500). I opened the lacquered door and a fat man's body toppled out. I screamed. My husband came in from the bathroom, tousled and slightly damp. He was not wearing a fedora. He did not notice the bullet-ridden body on the floor or the writhing cigarette smoke between us. He said: "Happy darling? "

15 comments:

Potty Mummy said...

Gosh, your world is exciting... makes K&C on a gloomy winter's day seem extremely pedestrian. But then, of course, it is.

mutleythedog said...

Yes - I was wondering about how you were doing with the Jumble Sale going on.. could you put in a bid on a chamber pot for me? I believe they are starting at around a tenner...

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Wow, I hope he threw you on the bed and did unspeakable things to you.
Pigx

Pig in the Kitchen said...

That would be unspeakable thing No 54113. I don't mean unspeakable thing No 27469, that's just too rude.

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Interresting idea and interesting mind, Wifey.

Just one little request - could you change the offensive word Northumberland to Northumbria?

I'll love you forever.

occasional northerner said...

Why this should cheer me up is beyond me, but strangely it does so thanks as ever for your entertaining post.

Minx said...

Inspired, dahling, absolutely inspired.

@themill said...

Made me smile. Thank you.
And edwin-higham - those of us who live in Northumberland NEVER call it Northumbria.

Norman said...

That was entertaining writing! Had me smiling all the way through.
BTW what all this talk of NorthumbRIA? That was the Saxon kingdom stretching north of a line from the Humber to the Mersey. It was known as North an Hymbre. North of the Humber. Northumberland is the country. To Have Northumbria we would need to include Durham, Yorkshire and Lancashire. Cumberland and Westmorland made up the kindom of Rhegedd.
Am I being parochial? Er, Yup!

Intyloper said...

What was the price tag on the dead body?

aims said...

Priceless!

Mopsa said...

Now what I want to know is was husband forgiven for his appalling Travelodge lapse? Did he deserve to be forgiven? Was there even a trace of smugness in the Savoy u-turn? Was it all a deliberate ploy and was the Savoy on the cards the whole time?

Jeff said...

Yep. I definitely see you as some kinda dame...

debio said...

Perversely, having carped for years about the faded grandeur of the Savoy, I'm now rather sad to hear of its refurbishment.

Labelled furniture is not unusual here, however; in the flam-bam new designer hotels everything is for sale. I try to keep moving just in case I get labelled as '60's model, fully run-in, several miles on the clock but knows the territory, any offer considered.....'

softinthehead said...

That summed up a great picture, in black and white, of course. Sounds like you had fun. Keep it up.